I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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