she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
