when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I am one with the molecules
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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