Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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