we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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