The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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