last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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