Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
