Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
