ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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