I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
