the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
