I cannot find my penis.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize