Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
