Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
ttyl tear gas
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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