She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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