Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
