So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
