my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
