My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
