when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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