It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
