I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
