it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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