I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize