Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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