break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
