youre lurking in front of me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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