I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
