I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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