Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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