There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
