He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
