I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
