So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
