dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
