She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
