life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
