Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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