So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize