everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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