I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
