You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
