My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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