he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize