I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
