Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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