The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
