So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
