An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
