I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize