Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
