trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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