Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
