even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
