I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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