Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
