i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
