I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
