The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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