so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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