I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
